Out of the Briar Patch
It’s a unique experience when we step out of the biting darkness, into the light, with our eyes adjusting to this strange, new alien world where we are finally in control, where we can make decisions for ourselves. It’s all been very foreign to me.
When someone is interested in me I find it odd as I have never considered myself a handsome man, so much so that I find it almost alien when they want to be intimate with me.
It wasn’t until another person, with a very gentle touch showed me there was soft skin underneath the stone, I hadn’t realized I had been trying to hide away from the world.
No one has the right to make you feel like a statue that’s been hallowed out to its core, to feel so alone and confined to your own body. The last few years have been a titanic undertaking, an expedition in finding myself if you will.
Letting go of the things that no longer serve us is a..battle? struggle? I feel like these words aren’t enough to describe the depth of something that overtakes your soul, especially if you feel like you truly love someone, but they make you feel so alone, so hollow.
Surmounting the trauma, and pain from the abuse I have received over the years has been a monumental undertaking that I wouldn’t trade for the world, but also, wish that no one else would have to endure.
I am a completely different person now than who I was before.
Along the way I discovered terms, and words for how I was feeling, and the situations I found myself in; breadcrumbing, being used, and unrequited love, just to name a few.
I think part of you longs for certain things when they grow to become a habit, when you find that you’ve wrapped your day-to-day life in them, you’ll almost find yourself fighting for them, even if you’re wrapped in thorns.
A form of Stockholm syndrome if you will.
That’s how I was up until a little while ago, but looking back on everything, at the time it felt like hell, and it went on for an eternity.
Life becomes a rather sad affair when someone you think you love, someone you hold so close to your heart, can break you down, and you just feel so.. empty. And you still miss them like a drug you have to ween off from.
It’s sad because, even now, several years later, I find myself staring back into the abyss, longing for something that was no good for me, it’s one of the many reasons I’ve had to learn to pour that same energy into myself, so I could fill the gaps in my life that longed for that terrible companionship.
Though, the situation was made easier when I realized two things;
1: It wouldn’t last forever
2: I wasn’t alone.
With the help of a very dear and wonderful woman, through her touch, I learned I wasn’t going to die from this, that I could finally live for myself, that’s when I woke up and found my way out of the briar patch. How the once hollowed-out statue became a man again.
Each person’s struggle is different, and the depths of their emotional journey shouldn’t compare as we all have to conquer different hurdles in life.
I want you to know if you find yourself reading this that you’re not alone either and that you’re very much loved. Heartache and loss are never easy, but worth it if you truly want to find yourself.
Putting in the effort for you, and those around you is the greatest gift I can share that I have done for myself because in the end it’s been an incredible journey, that I am so much better for.
I found my light when I started living for me.
Live for you, my dearest friend.
